


sunburn

by transarmin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, post ACWNR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 23:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transarmin/pseuds/transarmin
Summary: Erwin ignites something in Levi’s soul he didn’t know was there. He seems as untouchable as the sun, with words that flow into Levi’s veins and run through his body, intoxicating him with the will to fight. With Erwin he is reborn again.





	sunburn

**Author's Note:**

> i started this ages ago and only just got round to finishing it, so here you go

Isabel and Farlan die and Levi is left with nothing, nothing but the yearning ache in his heart for things he will never get back and a man who offers him something to believe in. Erwin ignites something in Levi’s soul he didn’t know was there. He seems as untouchable as the sun, with words that flow into Levi’s veins and run through his body, intoxicating him with the will to fight. With Erwin he is reborn again, a wildfire rising from the ashes of broken dreams and a life that has been torn apart. Erwin seems to understand Levi better than he understands himself and it makes him feel vulnerable and invincible all at once.

The months pass slowly and start to blur together. In time, Levi adjusts. But each day is as monotonous as the last, each sleepless night is haunted by visions of Isabel’s glassy, lifeless eyes staring back at him. It feels like only yesterday since then, and like a lifetime has passed. Days are spent training and every now and then a new expedition embarks, with countless casualties and deaths that seem to be for nothing. Levi wonders what it’s all for, and doubts that anyone knows the answer. The only thing that keeps him grounded is the passing of the seasons. The leaves turn hues of amber and gold and fall from the trees. The ground is dusted over with snow and there’s a chill in the air that digs through your bones. Levi experiences each of these things for the first time, and each time he longs for Isabel and Farlan’s presence beside him. It doesn’t feel right without them. Levi wonders whether anything will ever feel right again.

He keeps a knife under his pillow to protect him from non-existent threats, and keeps wilted flower petals in his pocket as a reminder of how he got here. Flowers are beautiful, but like people they are easily damaged. It’s as easy to snap a flower off its stem as it is for a titan to bite off someone’s head. There’s death within every corner of the walls, and it’s only when you lose someone that you truly realize how cruel the world can be.

The new year comes before Levi has time to make sense of it. These past few months feel like a fever dream, a life Levi isn’t sure he’s really living. He doesn’t know how he ends up in Erwin’s office that night, only that he finds himself craving something he doesn’t have the words for, as the image of Farlan’s gentle smile in his head turns to droplets of blood sprayed through the air, a red rain that never stops.

He knocks on Erwin’s door, something he’s never done. This late at night it would feel like an intrusion otherwise. Maybe it’s crossing a line, being here for no reason other than wanting to be. But Erwin’s dependable voice calls Levi in and for the briefest of moments any tension he was holding in his body fades away.

Erwin’s wearing his uniform minus his jacket, which is hung over the armrest of the leather armchair opposite his desk. Levi feels bare in his casual clothes, and wishes he had his harness and straps for some sense of security, to hold him in place.

“Levi,” Erwin greets, and there’s a hint of warmth in his eyes, “Can I help you?”

He sits up and rests his elbows on the desk, fingers laced together underneath his chin. The corners of his lips twitch up into a smile. Levi has to remind himself to breathe as he carefully closes the door and leans back against it, arms crossed. He looks down because he can’t bring himself to look Erwin in the eye.

“I dunno,” he says, defensive, “Can you?”

Erwin smiles wider at that. “It’s late,” he says, stating the obvious or perhaps there’s some hidden meaning to it, something Levi doesn’t want to contemplate.

He nods curtly, not letting anything betray the unease he feels. “It is.”

“So why are you in my office?”

Levi stays quiet. He doesn’t have the answer; doesn’t know why he came here.

“Could you not sleep?”

He doesn’t say anything, keeps staring down at his shoes. He chews the inside of his cheek as he waits for the silence to pass. Faintly he hears Erwin sigh.

“Sit down,” he instructs, and Levi does, scurrying over to sit in the armchair and bringing his legs up so they’re folded up beneath him.

He waits for Erwin to say something else, but no words come. Instead he goes back to his paperwork, and Levi watches the swift, elegant movements of his right hand intently. It’s entrancing to Levi, whose writing is clumsy and uncoordinated from years of not doing it. He can’t remember ever coming in here and seeing Erwin doing anything else but writing battle reports and letters of condolences to the families of those who have died or went missing in action.

“What’s it like?” Levi asks, and the words startle him as much as they do Erwin, like he hadn’t meant for them to come out.

Erwin looks up at him with a confused expression, brow furrowed just slightly. “What do you mean?”

“Being a squad leader. What’s it like?”

Erwin’s face softens. He ponders it, running his thumb slowly across his bottom lip. “It’s a lot of responsibility.”

“I don’t know if I could ever…” Levi cuts himself off and takes a deep breath through his nose, eyes squeezing shut for a brief moment.

“You could,” Erwin says, like he’s absolutely sure of it. There’s a fondness in his voice that shouldn’t be there. It can’t be there, because it’s not the way a squad leader speaks to his subordinate, and certainly not the way a man like Erwin Smith speaks to a man like Levi. “I know you could.”

Levi brushes his fingers over the fabric of Erwin’s uniform jacket, following the lines of the stitches. “I don’t want to be responsible for any more deaths,” he says. It comes out quieter and more vulnerable than he intended it to.

Erwin rises from his chair now, looking over at Levi with an intensity that he’s sure could melt ice. “It’s not your fault that they died, Levi.”

The words hit Levi like a knife digging into his chest. For a second, he forgets how to breathe, his lungs feeling like they could burst. The tears that sting his eyes threaten to betray him. He blinks, not knowing what else to do, his eyelids flickering open and shut. It’s futile. He cannot let Erwin see him weak, but cannot bring himself to hide it either.

“I know,” he says. His voice sounds strained, like there’s a hand constricting around his throat.

“Do you, though?”

The only thing Levi knows for certain is that Isabel and Farlan are dead, and Erwin is the only person left in the world he can count on for anything. He can’t bring himself to give an answer, and Erwin strides over to the armchair where he’s sat, each step resonating in his eardrums. He feels so exposed like this. Erwin can see through his mask, read his thoughts. He sees the pain that swells in his heart, something Levi tries so hard to hide from everyone else.

Erwin is too close. Levi tries to run because it’s the only thing he knows how to do. He leaps up out of the chair but Erwin grabs his wrist before he can leave, forcing him to remain here. Erwin’s grip is gentle but it feels like a vice nonetheless.

“Stay,” he requests.

Levi doesn’t have the strength to refuse. He isn’t sure if he even wants to.

It’s been so long since Levi had any kind of physical touch, and now that he can feel Erwin’s warm hand against his skin he realizes how much he’s been craving it. The touch burns. Levi wants to be engulfed by it. When Erwin steps forward and wraps his arms around his waist, presses a fleeting kiss to the nape of his neck, rests his chin atop Levi’s head… Levi feels weak. He doesn’t mention that this is inappropriate and they’ve never shared physical contact like this before because it feels too familiar and comforting for him to protest it.

“Levi,” Erwin says, with something deep and earnest about the way he does, like there’s an ache in him that has finally soothed, “Thank you.”

Levi blinks once. Twice. Three times.

“For what?”

“Nothing. Everything.”

He places his own slender hand atop Erwin’s large ones, hoping it conveys his gratitude, his sheer and utter reverence for this man. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

Erwin exhales through his nose, and Levi feels the breath on his scalp. “I know.”

“I…” Levi pauses, traps his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment, “You know.”

“I know.”

They stand like that for a second. Then Erwin is retreating to his desk and Levi misses him even though he’s still right there. He misses the Erwin who is just _Erwin_ and loathes the one who is a soldier, a man of duty and honour and all these other pretentious words that mean nothing in the end. There is no glory in dying and letting people die. There are no heroes in war, only lonely souls with nowhere to go and no one to run home to. Everyone here is like that in some way, even the ones who do have homes and families.

From the safety of his desk, Erwin sighs. “I can’t figure it out.”

Levi frowns. “Huh?”

“You’re the most valuable asset the Corps has ever had. A man with the skill of a hundred ordinary soldiers. That’s all you were ever supposed to be.”

He frowns harder now, almost a scowl if not for the softness in his eyes. “You’re a cryptic old bastard.”

Erwin laughs, amused by this. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” he says, “But all you were ever meant to be was another piece on the chessboard.”

There’s a pit in Levi’s stomach at those words. “A pawn.”

“Or a knight, or a rook. The exact piece doesn’t matter. What matters is I wasn’t supposed to see you as anything else.”

“But now you do.”

“Yes.”

The way he says it is so certain. Levi feels anything but certain about all of this.

“I can’t do this,” he confides, “This… Whatever _this_ is.”

Erwin just smiles, like he understands. His eyebrows are creased together and he looks years too old. He stays solemn and silent and Levi can’t bear it.

“I don’t do caring about people,” Levi continues, “The only ones I’ve ever given a shit about are dead now. And I can’t do that again. I told myself I’d never do that again, but…”

“But,” Erwin echoes. It resonates through the room and through Levi’s soul. There’s something unsaid within that one little word, something he doesn’t want to think about.

Levi doesn’t reply. He leaves, and this time Erwin doesn’t try to stop him.

He goes back to the dormitory. He doesn’t sleep. Hours are spent rolling on his bunk, kicking off his blanket when he gets too warm and pulling it back up when he gets cold again. Around him there is coughing and snoring and muttering. Someone cries out a name Levi has never heard before, another person he never got the chance to meet, another pawn. The darkness is all the moreinfuriating for how blinding it is. Levi lays and waits for the morning and tries not to dwell on the knot in his chest that won’t go away.

That morning he does not eat. He’s used to going days without food, and in some ways the pangs of hunger are comforting to him. Being full is not a feeling he is used to. It’s unwelcome. The amount of things that have changed in the past year is disorienting.

He trains without uttering a word, the grip on his blades tight. He feels like the wind. There’s something about soaring through the air that makes Levi feel unstoppable. Ever since the first time he used the stolen gear in the Underground, he knew this was what it felt like to be free. It’s a false kind of freedom but that doesn’t matter to him. The feeling of the winter air on his skin and the way the sun stings when he looks at it is liberating.

People watch him with wide, fascinated eyes. Despite how much the young soldiers admire his skills, he knows he will never fit in. Here he is an outsider. They are comrades but he is not one of them, never will be. They are from different worlds.

Levi finds Erwin not in his office but in the corridor just outside, staring out of the window like he’s waiting for someone. Levi strolls up and stands beside him, and for a while that’s all they do, stand and stare.

“I haven’t seen you all day,” Erwin remarks calmly, as if this is a strange thing. They often go days without any interaction.

“I was training,” Levi replies, “What were you doing all day?”

“Thinking.”

Another vague answer. It frustrates him, how vague Erwin is all the time when he’s perfectly capable of getting his meaning across. He just never seems to want to.

“About what?”

Erwin exhales, loud enough for Levi to hear the air leave his body. He finds himself breathing in instinctively, a metaphor for their relationship. Levi needs Erwin to breathe.

“I don’t know,” says Erwin, “Many things.”

“I hate when you do that,” Levi tells him bluntly.

“Do what?”

“When you don’t give me a straight answer.”

Erwin merely shrugs. “The answer would bore you,” he says, “And you do that a lot too.”

Levi feels tetchy. His hands are shaking now, he feels his fingers trembling through his closed fists. His teeth are gritted, his shoulders tense. None of this is intentional, just a reflex he’s learned over the years. He’s constantly on edge and allowing himself to relax makes him feel small, too small.

“Last night…” Erwin begins, but Levi shuts him up by pulling him down roughly by the shirt and kissing him. It’s only a quick kiss, lips touching for a moment and then Levi is hurrying away back down the corridor again, escaping without another word.

He doesn’t see Erwin at all the following day, and he intends to avoid him the day after too until by chance he bumps into the man in the courtyard.

“Come,” Erwin says, and Levi does.

He takes Levi to his office and goes back to his work like nothing happened between them, like they never had all these conversations and like Levi never kissed him.

“Why did you bring me here if you’re just going to do paperwork?” Levi snaps. He’s stood opposite Erwin with his arms crossed defensively against his chest, protecting himself from a threat that isn’t there.

Erwin looks up at him now, slowly. A second later he’s looking away, back down at his papers like they’re more interesting than Levi is to him.

“I don’t know,” he says.

Frustrated, Levi slams his hands down onto the desk and glares at him. “Stop messing with me,” he says with a cold, seething kind of anger to his voice.

“I’m not,” Erwin tells him, leaning back in his chair like prey that has been cornered but still, somehow, has the upper hand, “I just missed your company, that’s all.”

Levi takes a few deep breaths, his nostrils flaring. He grinds his teeth together and tries to think of something appropriate to say.

“If you want me,” he finally replies, unable to hide his frustration, “If you want _this_ …”

He places his hand on top of Erwin’s larger one to emphasise his point, locking eyes with him. Neither of them look away this time.

“Then stop being so indecisive about it.”

“You’re guilty of that yourself,” Erwin remarks, “You go from kissing me to running away-”

“That’s not the same,” Levi cuts him off, defensive.

Erwin seems unfazed by this. “You act like this is what you want but you recoil the moment I try to reach out to you. It’s hard for me, Levi. Tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

Levi looks down, steps away from the desk. “You aren’t doing anything wrong,” he says, the anger from his voice gone, “But I told you, I can’t do this.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. You seem so eager that it’s what you want and yet so desperate to avoid the matter. You’re in conflict with yourself.”

He sighs because Erwin’s right, and frowns because he wishes he wasn’t. “I haven’t done this before.”

The _this_ in question is always unspoken but they both know what it means.

“Me neither. At least, not for a very long time.”

“I know what I want, but-”

“Then tell me,” Erwin interrupts him, “Tell me what you want, Levi. No but.”

He’s about to give in, but then his body tenses up again and he’s fleeing Erwin’s office, not walking in any particular direction other than _away_. He spends the night overthinking and getting frustrated at himself for feeling things that aren’t pain and grief. He shouldn’t feel anything else. Isabel and Farlan are not here, so Levi cannot allow himself to long for things that they will never get the chance to have. He longs anyway. He craves Erwin’s touch and thinks of the two of them together, just them, no one else. Erwin is the only reason he’s still here. Levi would have run away from the Survey Corps long ago if not for him. He thinks back to that day, how Erwin persuaded him not to kill him and instead filled his heart with desires he cannot explain. He feels drawn to him. The force is strong, and Levi cannot resist it any longer. He doesn’t want to.

This is how he finds himself knocking on Erwin’s door late at night for the second time this week. When Erwin calls him in, he can’t hold any of it in anymore.

“I want you,” he declares, adrenaline rushing through him, “And I don’t know why it’s you but it is. No one else. It could never be anyone else.”

“Why?” Erwin says, and the stupidity of it would irritate Levi if he wasn’t so consumed by emotion already.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

“Then say it.”

Levi blinks, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

“Tell me that you love me,” Erwin says, calm and unwavering.

“I just did,” Levi says back, his jaw clenched. His hands are shaking. He needs this to be over with, can’t take it any longer. He needs Erwin to take the reins for him but that’s the opposite of what he seems to be doing.

Erwin smiles. A soft, patient smile. “You said that you’re in love with me. That’s not the same thing.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it isn’t.”

“For the love of…” Levi stops himself, takes another deep breath. Part of him wants to reach out and throttle Erwin but he restrains the impulse. That’s all it is, after all. He could never go through with it. “You’re really gonna make me do this?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. I love you.”

Despite Levi’s expectations, the look on Erwin’s face is not a smug one. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he questions, in the most infuriatingly sincere way.

“Aren’t you gonna say it back?”

Erwin’s mouth twitches like he wants to smile but can’t bring himself to. “Levi,” he says, “I love you.”

It’s like a bullet through the chest. All this torment until now has been like a dagger twisting around in Levi’s insides, torturing him slowly, but this is a bullet straight through his heart. No pain and begging for it to stop. A quick end. Relief.

And with that he’s rushing over to jump on Erwin’s lap, to straddle him and kiss him and hold his face in his hands, anything, he just needs it. It’s been building up for too long and now that he’s let it out he needs to act on it. Erwin kisses him painfully slowly. Levi’s been craving rough, impulsive passion but what Erwin gives him is gentle and deliberate. It’s better this way.

“You’re an asshole,” Levi murmurs against Erwin’s lips, and he feels the man’s chest vibrate as he lets out a low chuckle.

“I know,” says Erwin, “But it had to be done.” He stops to kiss Levi’s jaw, his lips lingering there. “You would have never admitted it otherwise.”

“If you knew how I felt why didn’t you just fucking say it first?”

“It’s better this way.”

Levi tugs on his collar, pulling him in for a kiss again. He bites Erwin’s lip and he lets out a low moan. “I hate you.”

Erwin pulls away, an eyebrow raised and smirking.

“Shut up. You know what I mean. Just kiss me.”

The pain and grief Levi has been feeling for months is forgotten. The world fades away. Nothing matters except Erwin. It’s meant to be this way, Levi thinks, because if it wasn’t he would still feel guilty and conflicted about it. But it feels right. Erwin feels like exactly the person Levi is supposed to fall into and be consumed by. No one else could ever compare to that. And it’s funny, really, how long they’ve been dancing around the issue of their relationship without ever bringing it up, and now they’re here and it feels stupid that they never did. The world is cruel and complicated like that.

The world just got even more complicated but this makes sense, at least. At least something does.


End file.
